fun with banks

[jodawi]

cat stevens yusuf islam peace train re-recording available for download

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PayPal/Providian:

hi i'd like to close my account. can you tell me the closeout amount?

are you sure? it's showing here that you're currently enjoying your experience

i'm sure

please hold for the person that tries to talk you out of it
hi, i'm the other voice. what's the matter? we're giving you 9.99% already, and 2.99% balance transfer.

i just have too many cards.

let's see...you've been with us for 5 months, if you can just hold on for another month we'll review your account and you might be eligible for free lasagna and blowjobs, a credit line increase, and other fabulous prizes.

hmm. what's the current lowest rate you're offering?

(nervous voice) um, i think the lowest i've seen is 7.2%, but we can't really know until after you've been with us 6 months

(dramatic pause) ok, i'll call back in a month then.
(pays off full balance with happy bonus monies.)


Chase:

hi, i think my account is not a platinum account, is that true?

yes, you have the classic account

could i get that changed to platinum or titanium or mithril or whatever?

platinum is our best metal right now...hm...it says here we're waiting on activating a photo card for you, and it won't let me do anything until that's done

that's from many months ago, i don't think i ever got the paperwork for it. can you just cancel that?

unfortunately it won't let me...all i can do is send it out again to you. hmm. well let me put you on hold and i'll see if we can do something manually about this...(tinkly pyano tinkly)...hi mr williams it'll take a few days to go through but that should be wriggly proper soon and then you can request the upgrade

can you tell me what your current lowest rate is?

actually on upgrades they keep the same terms so you'd still be at 9.99%

oh. hrm. well could you just close the account for me?

you want to close the account

yes

please hold for the person that tries to talk you out of it
hi, i'm the other voice. sorry for the delay, the first voice was updating me on the situation. you want a platinum upgrade right?

yes, but my other card is offering 7.2% so i'd rather just close this account.

i bet that 7.2% is a variable rate...lets see the lowest we can offer you is 7.99% fixed, and that'll be a platinum card. it'll take about 24 hours so i'll check on it on monday. so do you want to go ahead with that?

(dramatic pause) ok, thanks.
(pays off part of balance with happy bonus monies.)